Saturday, December 31, 2011

I can fucking do it.

I can fucking do it.

I fucking have to do it.

It's just once. It'll pass.

Worst case scenario, I live out the rest of my perfectly adequate, enjoyable life, meet people I love, live thoughrally and boldly and unapologietically, and die as well as I know how, and some time later the whole world and everything in it burns in the darkest pits of hell. 

Which isn't so bad.

This doesn't matter that much. Nothing ever matters that much. It's a terrible mistake to believe it does.

The next time I have opportunity to personify Fireflies,

I will make them all drunk, all the time.

Friday, December 30, 2011

I am a good person.

I am a good person.

 

I didn't get that much done today. But that's fine. I did a lot of work-- I did. I took care of several people in ways most people can't. I am strong. I am brave. I am competent. I'm okay. I'm alright.

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Truth?

My Chemistry teacher wanted more details and a more complete explanation. I did not think I could give him a more to the point answer. So I wrote him a paragraph that says exactly the same thing but is long and fairly elaborate in its langauge. But about halfway through the composition becomes sketchy. That's because I was listening to Eminem with more focus than doing science homework. Shhhh. Don't tell.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

secrets that are all mine.

when i'm in my room, alone, i turn the music up and dance like i'm a fucking rockstar.

this, somehow, is what's making my search for colleges not feel like a predatorial monster right now. like, "take my brain, take my hand, take me where i cannot stand . . . i don't care, i'm still free, you can't take my bad-music-and-equally-bad-i-mean-shamefully-radically-bad-i-mean-like-makes-you-ashamed-by-association-bad-dancing-from-me . . ."

yeah, i just went there.

 

in confidence, 

claire

Friday, July 29, 2011

i wrote you a poem.

So I went to writing camp, and it was about imagery. We had homework every night, and I liked some of the results. They were written quickly, and are unrevised, but I hope you can find something in them to like. 

Day 1: Use a 2D image.
-----------------------

On the Nature of Windows

the chapel was broken in a million tiny ways. 
the arms of the pews had been
       worn down by nervous fingers,
    the once-smooth stone   was
           porous and rough,
    the floor was grimy and covered in dust.
but that window--
    that beautiful stained-glass window--
it shone, still brilliant,
    a flurry of color, 
               of color that cut through the grey decay--

           it was fire,
              and orange,
              and deep sweet blue,
                    rich dark purple, 
                           and white.

on the floor and the pews
       where it laid itself down, 
    it fell like petals
           and draped like silk--
the thirsty grey stone
    drank the colors
    down,
              and they were warm, 
                    and it was cold,
              and they were so living,
                    and it so dead,

                           and it    felt
                             beautiful
                                again.

--------------------------------
My thanks to e. e. cummings for pioneering the art of spacing your lines exactly where you want to. It felt pretty natural handwitten, but typing it up, I feel like I've committed wholly to a trick that isn't mine. But hey, steal from the best, right?

Day 2: The assignment was to evoke a person without using their face at all.
-------------------------------

Sometimes I think she was made of shoes.
Like one time, we went to the park in April because she wanted to play on the playground in the rain. She didn’t check the forecast, she just expected it to rain, right then, at 2:00, just because she wanted it to. And if it wouldn’t rain for her right on schedule, she at least wanted to jump in the puddles from yesterday’s rain, and this morning’s rain, and whatever rain was left over from last month that hadn’t managed to evaporate yet because it kept raining all the time. She was already there when I drove up. She was standing by this gigantic puddle in the parking lot, and there was this rubber ducky floating in the middle of this huge muddy parking-lot puddle, and she was standing at the very edge of the puddle with her toes just in the water in these bright yellow rain boots.

Or like that time she managed to break in through my window at four in the freaking morning—with two cups of hot Starbucks, no less—and she was like, “get up, sleepyhead! It’s beach time!” It was still, like, half an hour to sun-up when we got to the boardwalk. It was dark, still, but kind of dusky so you could still see, and everything was really, weirdly still. No birds, no people, not even sun—it was just the waves going up, and turning white, and down, and up, and down, and the weird thing is, she didn’t even want to do anything. She just sat there on the railing of the boardwalk in her blue jeans and these funny white ballet flats, kicking her feet back and forth.

Or like, our sophomore year, these two guys dared us to go to prom with them, and I was like, “no”, and she was like, “challenge accepted!” and then I was like, “okay fine.” So then she took me shopping, and picked out my dress and shoes and everything, and it was actually pretty fun. And then, prom night, she showed up at my house in this lacey little black dress, black fishnets, and bright pink Chuck Taylor high-tops carrying a box of what she termed, “schmancy dinner a la Dominoes.”

The last time I saw her she was barefoot, sitting cross-legged on the floor of my room. She showed me the bus ticked, and promised she’d be safe. And then she walked out of my room, and down the stairs, and to the door; and she put on her Nike running shoes, and I haven’t seen her since.

-------------------
I'll be honest, I wrote that for the last scene. And the second one. I like the second one. I don't know-- let me know what you think.

Day 3: [Telling you the prompt would give it away.]
--------------------

She tumbled out of bed 
in her Disney princess pajamas,
her fluffy red hair unkempt,
and slipped on her Cookie Monster slippers.

She walked downstairs to the kitchen,
where she placed one scoop of orange sherbet
next to one scoop of raspberry sherbet
in a blue bowl.

And then she took her breakfast out to the deck,
and watched the sun rise over the lake. 

------------------------
You have to visualize it or else it's boring.

Day 4: Use a list to create a sense of breadth. 
----------------------

How do I hate thee?
     Let me count the ways.
Thou art more oppressive than humidity in Iowa in July,
     more cumbersome than having to explain your intentions to your mother,
your neediness is like having maple syrup on your fingers
     and there's no water in sight;
I hate you freer than a worn-out couch on a curb,
     purer than the faith of Mother Theresa;
I hate you stronger than your own unshakeable loneliness
     and with all the passion of your aggressive hopelessness;
you smell like dirty gym socks, 
     and you speak with the grace of a rotting gazelle. 
I hate you harder than a math test you stayed up all night studying for,
     and after talking to you, I feel like I have to go shake like a dog. 
In short,
     I hate you to the moon, and straight on 'til morning.

-----------------------
Disclaimed: that wasn't written at a person-- it's a joke. And anyway, Joella liked it. 

Right. I went to Iowa City for a week and read lots and lots and lots of stuff, and listened to many very smart people talk, and wrote some stuff that wasn't as good as the stuff the genius people wrote, but I thought there were redeeming qualities to all of them, and on the whole I like them, so I shared them with you. I hope you enjoyed.

Thanks for reading, and definitely leave a comment and tell me what you thought.
Cheers!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

today,

i found out that i'm that kind of person.

i said to myself, i don't empathize well with characters right now. i find them boring. i find their troubles overrated and their joys irrelevant.

i said to myself, this would be an excellent time to read an epic, or something. something from before the time when writing was more about character than plot. like, the iliad or something. but i've always had a hard time with those. i find them dull, too.

i said to myself, what do i find interesting in books? i answered myself, theme? that third layer to books, after story and character?

so i was like, i've heard ulysses is all full of that, and i don't think you have to take the person seriously, and the story follows that of the odyssey, but in the same stroke, nothing happens. maybe i should read that.

and then i asked google. google says it's impenetrably hard to read. most people either don't get through it or just don't get it. there are a number of personal accounts of people who say it's not worth it, that they hated it, that it's really long, and other people who say that now they get it, but they didn't at first. and all of that made me want to read. i guess i'm that kind of a person.

so i guess i'm going to try to tackle james joyce's ulysses. i'll tell you how it goes.

cheers,
claire.