hey internet.

it's been a while. sorry about that.

i've been thinking about stuff, i promise. i just haven't had time to tell you about it.

i will, though.

later.

maybe.

today i discovered that i am a moral and existential nihilist. what did you do this morning?

yeah. as it turns out, i don't believe in a soul. and i don't believe in there being an objective, inherent value to life. and i don't believe in morality, because i believe it's derived from the drive for survival, which as afore mentioned i believe is a quest for an arbitrary reward.

the way i see it is this: nobody ever does anything they don't want to. nobody ever wants anything that isn't good for them. so every action is inherently self serving. and if you think about it, all the things we want are just ways to survive or to survive better. some of them we know, and some are built with like, neuro-chemical rewards. basically, pleasure and pain are ways your brain's discovered to reward and punish you for surviving better or worse than expected, respectively.

so your brain's evolved to survive.

i've probably told you this a hundred times, haven't i? sorry.

here's the thing, though: why did your brain start wanting to survive?

this is where it gets trippy and nihilistic. maybe some things wanted to survive, and others didn't, and the ones that didn't want to survive didn't survive, and that was the end, and the ones that did want to, did. and over time, as the process continued, you had to want it badder and badder to keep living, and somehow life ended up being this really coveted possession.

my choir's like that. for some reason, being good at it is worth something. all the people who want to be, want to be, and all the people that don't, aren't.

this is actually exactly why money works. the dollar isn't on the gold standard anymore, which means the only thing that keeps it worth a dollar is the belief that it is. but even when it was on the gold standard, gold still wasn't objectively worth anything-- everybody just decided to want it.

i think survival is the gold standard of value. all value. including the actual gold standard, and the dollar, and the accolades that a ridiculous amount of practice, work, luck, egotism and ass-kissing can earn you in that strange department.

oh my god, internet. i'm a fucking nihilist.

i knew what i believed, but i didn't realize it meant not believing in a soul, or morality, or a purpose to life. i'm having a goddamn existential crisis.

i'm not, actually. i'm fine with it. because i want to survive-- bad. today, i had breakfast, lunch, and then skipped my daily snack, and i was hungry, and i got really, really grouchy because i hadn't had my daily granola bar and i was a little bit hungry. i stubbed my toe the other day, and then i swore. loudly. to help prove this point, i held my breath as long as i could. i did a minute fourty one seconds, which according to TIME magazine is about ninteen seconds below average. at about 1.21, i started really feeling it.

unlike choir, i can't quit life. i can't opt out of wanting it. my life is not worthless, and the world is not going to hell, because there is more than enough value to go around, to justify morality, and to keep everybody compliant and willing to listen.

thanks for reading.
claire